reset | moment

Why do you run? My heart wants to beat faster - plain and simple.

I run because it calms my mind; because I feel weightless and because I have found strength in who I am as a runner. Maybe part of this particular blog should look at how I feel when I don't run.  My rationale is sometimes it helps to looks at who you want to be rather then who you are.  Here's why - when I don't run I struggle with guilt for not taking care of myself the way I know that my body wants me to.  Everyone has some ability to run it depends simply on how the individual wants to develop or not develop it.  Sure, some people are talented right off the bat, but the majority of us just have to put in the time and dedication that it takes to make it past what feels like a neverending beginning.  It is a struggle - does that make you want to stop?  Hopefully not. 

When I'm not running I miss how the breeze feels on my face or how drops of rain linger on my checks when it is raining out. There is this place where your thoughts and breathe catch each other and where you are comfortable; where there is an equilibrium - it feels like home. This takes time to find, but when you are there it is worth it.  It is fleeting and beautiful, but enough to make you want more.  You speed up a little - p u s h - because you ask yourself do I want this run to be comfortable or do I want to fly?  Somedays you just want to get through it - you are tired - your legs are begging for the couch but you still need it.  On good days your feet are fast - those days for me mean that my thoughts don't wander and I see myself as an athlete. A runner - alive. 

I have been trying to find a better balance between my running (which takes up a solid amount of time on a weekly basis) and my artmaking process.  I am sure that most people contend with and relate to what they want to do and what there is time to do in each day.  These days roll together and accumulate.  I am fairly regimented with my running schedule and have found myself thinking that I should have the same dedication and structure to setting aside time for my studio practice.  How does this tie together? I think about my running as also creative time.  When you sit down to actually work on something (like a drawing) you have an expectation that you are going to create something physical.  You want to translate what you see in your mind into something real and tangible. In the work that I do, what I enjoy most in my process is the physicality of the making.  That there is a moment of stillness and movement; want and desire that it is tied to time, thought and it's direct translation to something that is itself- like a thread. 

When you go running you allow your mind to roam and to experience the world around you, which in turn will make you a stronger artist and person because you are aware of what imagery, thoughts and feelings are in your mind and body. Maybe the run can also be the reset...or vice versa the artmaking is the reset to new ideas that can come freely.



“The only way out is in.”- Junot Díaz

8 days later 4 days from

8 days later – I have eaten brown rice for the last eight days and yesterday marked what was actually the last day of what I intended to do for 7 days, but I am going to keep going (with some modifications)! Here it is: no alcohol (this one sucked a little over the weekend), wheat, dairy, yeast, corn, sweets and/or sweeteners, coffee and as you probably know this is in addition to being vegetarian.  There was a lot of brown rice consumed this week! 

What I found is that I thought about food alot this week (not in the daydream sense but in the practical what-to-eat next manner), but I never really wanted or craved anything at all – which for me is interesting because I usually always want sometype of treat (love me some cheese | dark chocolate).  I ate tempeh, so that broke one rule (even though I didn’t want to admit to it) and on Sunday I ate eggs and while I felt a little guilty I think that I really just needed the protein.

I found myself thinking through my food choices and eating more consciously, as well as trying to figure out what is important to me to take from this past week.  Overall temperament-wise this week I felt pretty even keel, which in itself is huge for me.  I tried brown rice pasta for the first time (not bad at all –though a little smoochy), drank probably my body weight in tea and fell in love with honey – all-in-all not a bad week.  This started as a way for me to eat cleaner, but in the process I started to see what I was eating more clearly.  I decided over 10 years ago to become a vegetarian for a number of different reasons and one of those overarching reasons for me has always been that I don't feel like I need to eat any meat to be healthy and active.   

I would say that sometimes I felt a little limited in what I could eat, but I am sure that that was partly due to being new to this type of diet so I was just a little unsure sometimes  – then add on the sheer fact that buying something like rice pasta isn’t as available as wheat pasta in grocery stores – so at times I felt like I was on a scavenger hunt for a meal.  There was a lot of label reading going on – and in some cases I was surprised to see how much wheat and corn are in so many different foods that I never really even thought about before. 

Some highlights of my eating week were: homemade hummus, spicy tofu with honey broccoli and kale, arugula and broccoli soup and very tasty sushi (that I did not prepare). I also discovered that brown rice is amazing for breakfast – add some dried apple, coconut, cinnamon, almond milk, and raisins.  This breakfast was the best (and also the only breakfast that I had with one morning of oatmeal instead)!

I am four days away from running a half marathon and while I am a little nervous, I am excited and feel ready to earn a new t-shirt and put another medal on my bookshelf – more importantly I feel that from the inside out I can face the distance.


“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” ― Michael Pollan

it gets better

I made it through the first full day of my brown rice detox and am into the second day.  All-in-all other then a moment in the afternoon where I daydreamed eating a cupcake it was a pretty good day.  We have a workshop running at work so the smell of yummy coffee was lingering for part of the morning, but I think that because I was so excited to be making a change that it didn't phase me.  I actually liked the snacks that I had yesterday (which included sugar peas and hummus and black pepper rice crackers).  Went to the gym afterwork for a spin class and it kicked my butt.  Was totally drenched in sweat and loving life at the end of the class.  Dinner was pretty tasty - Spicy tofu with broccoli, red pepper, garlic and a little honey (also my lunch today). 

The "problem" I am having is that at night I still have a lot of energy so it is taking me longer to wind down and go to bed.  I haven't been hungry or craving anything at all, but I have been finding that I am thinking about food alot.  It seems like sometimes we just unconsciously eat so the choices we make are dictated more by what we want to taste and there isn't so much thought involved to what our bodies actually need.  Making an active change seems to be just the kick I need.

I am enjoying that everything I am eating now I consider (probably overconsidering at this point).  I think that this is actually a sustainable way to eat.  I just want to see a few days down the road how I am feeling.  I have read that it takes almost a month to actually break a habit so really this is the kickoff to me trying to break some bad habits.  It helps that there is a goal that this is tied to.  In the front of my mind I am focusing on how I want to run this race and how I want to feel going into it.  Because I have run this specific race before I know where I struggle which is why this is so meaningful to me. 

This will be my third consecutive Dutchess County Classic half (and my fifth classic event).  The first year I ran it I sort of just wanted it to be over at mile 10.  I finished in 2:15:28 but those last 3 miles were killer.  Last year I enjoyed it much more and ran a 2:11:16.  Now I don't remember where I struggled so that is a good thing.  It helps that my family positions themselves along the course because you run long stretches where you may only have a few people in sight.  I think that that is the hardest part of running a course like this one.  You have to be in your head and out of it at the same time.  This blog is my proof that I am ready to run in 10 days. 


"The journey is part of the experience - an expression of the seriousness of one's intent."— Anthony Bourdain

rice and other such interests

I have been wanting to blog for a bit, but didn’t really have a topic to write about.  Somehow my misadventures with having maybe too many beers and a laaisez-faire attitude regarding what I may or may not want to do next didn't quite seem blogworthy.  Now that I think about it – this actually makes the most sense to share because it is honest.  I will preface this by saying that two nights ago I added up my miles for the month and was at 88+ miles (had my highest mileage week of the month last week), which to all stretches of the imagination isn’t bad or even close to being lazy) and made me think about why I am so hard on myself.  In the last three months I have logged close to 250 miles so really have I been slacking? Or am I just torturing myself?

Here’s my update: I am running a half marathon in 11 days and yes I have been training for it though I can't say that I have really been thinking about it.  I have been feeling a little tired lately and am at the higher end of my weight.  When I start to feel uncomfortable I know that it is time to switch it up and take care of what is bothering me right away, rather than letting it get away from me.  I decided on doing a brown rice detox – it may not sound awesome, but I like to eat and really I just want to eat cleaner and be ready to run my best. Of course, I didn't really think about this I just did some research and decided that waiting to start wasn't going to do anything so might as well just start. 

This detox promotes eating macrobiotic – so lots of brown rice (quinoa, oats, buckwheat and wildrice are ok), along with fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds. This detox removes caffeine, sweets and sweeteners, dairy, wheat, yeast, alcohol and pretty much everything processed.  My goal is stick to it for at least 7 days. 

I started it yesterday afternoon – so I am being honest that I had a bagel and a coffee for breakfast.  The rest of the day was really clean from that on.  What I forgot about eating cleanly is that is takes alot of prep.  During my lunch break I went to the health food store to purchase unspeakable amounts of rice along with veggies in preparation for my dinner and the next few days.  Since it was a rainy day yesterday I went to the gym with Kelly and we ran 6.25 miles in an hour on the crapmill (awesome)! By the time I got home it was 7:30pm and I had to start making my rice for the rest of the week.  I made a really tasty dinner of basmati brown rice with kale, spinach, carrots, ginger, almonds, onions and tempeh – so yummy!! Being that I am training while doing this detox I am keeping tofu and tempeh in my diet – I need the protein and as far as being a processed food I can deal with this one. 

Today is my first full day so I guess we will see how it goes.  I started it with a brown rice breakfast – tastier then I initially thought it would be. You guessed it – brown rice with almonds, dried apple slices, unsweetened coconut, cinnamon and almond milk.  Had a snack of half a red pepper and don’t feel I am gonna freak out so that’s a good sign right?!  The only way I can describe right now is that I feel oddly alert and just happy to make a change.  I will keep you posted on how this goes!!! Wish me luck!


"...nothing is too much trouble if it turns out the way it should." — Julia Child

Emphasis on the experience

Why? This is the simple provocative question that keeps racing through my thoughts on a day-to-day basis. Does that seem a little random?  I agree on that one, but it absolutely makes sense to me - or maybe it is just starting to make sense.  I guess I should share the whole question that keeps coming up so the story is a bit more complete. I keep asking myself why do I want to train again?  What am I going to get out of it? How will this affect me and what my life looks like today?  I think you see where I am going with this one.  I do well with structure - with a plan or a schedule.  Left to my own devices I can very easily fall to the other extreme and not want to do anything -ohh the duplicity of Piscean nature!

I see that my motivation has been changing and rather than this ongoing interest in beating a time or conquering a distance, I am chasing the euphoria and elation of the run itself.  To those of you have felt it you know exactly why I would do this.  Running is this odd extra relationship - some fall in love with running right away and for other it takes time. For me, I am not shy about the fact that I have the running love, but maybe my relationship with running is moving past where we have been for a number of years into another stage that I don't quite yet understand.  All I know right now is that I feel like I am trying to figure out the what next part. 

When I think about it I couldn't picture my life without running because it brings me such joy. Training is a huge commitment of time, energy and unwavering love.  It encompasses eating clean, staying hydrated and getting enough sleep so that you have the energy to take on your next run (and your life).  Yesterday I started my day with some cereal and had a cheeseless lunch (which was still tasty) and I went on the great run in Poughkeepsie over the Walkway - 8 miles all in all.  This was after an 8 hour hour work day and was celebrated with a long shower and a meal of roasted kale with olive oil and sea salt, fresh corn and tomatoes, risotto and a veggie burger - yum.  Got up early this morning because I was awake and ran 5K.  I felt a little tired, but wanted to get some extra miles in and start out the day with another run done.  I am going to work this week to eat more completely and get 20+ miles in. Ohh yeah and I decided last night that I am going to reread some of my favorite short stories by Flannery O'Connor - kind of just feels right. 


Faith is what someone knows to be true, whether they believe it or not. - Flannery O'Connor

the week is the way you start it

Seems like an appropriate day for a blog. My reason is yesterday I just had a super crappy day (probably my own doing) and I'm not sure exactly why, but for the entire day I was just in a cranky uninterested mood. I felt tired and just blah.  I knew that I needed to get a run in, but really just wasn't into it.  The run, the scheduling of the run and deciding where to run was aggravating me for no reason.  My co-worker and running friend Kelly suggested that we get out of Kingston and try out the rail trail in Hurley.  I just didn't want to run in Kingston or for that matter run at all, but it sounded like a decent compromise so I went with it.  When it hit 5pm I trudged home, put my running clothes on and laid down on the couch.  It was not looking good...90 degrees outside, cranky me and the feeling of dread was growing.  I called Kelly and we met up.  There are just too many things to worry and stress about and all of them don't actually get you anywhere. Had a little chat on the drive out where we both discussed how we needed this run.

That was a complete understatement.  Best thing that I did yesterday was that run.  We didn't plan how far we would go, but it ended up that once we hit the 5K and still felt it we just kept going and did 6.1 miles. I wouldn't say it was easy, but it changed everything aka got me out of my head enough to appreciate a solid hour outside in the woods, without music, to hear my breathe and to reconnect with what makes me feel my best. We came out of the woods sweaty with bugs squashed to us, dirt all over our legs and huge smiles.  That's why I love running.  You don't know you want it and sometimes it is the one thing that you don't want to do, but it is the only thing that you actually need.  Your brain craves the silence and your body thrives on the speed.  It's uncomplicated - focus, breath, legs, core - repeat.  That run got me pumped to go out again and I already did a 3.6 miler before work this morning.  run love.

"Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again and again." - Joseph Campbell

what heat index?

Last night I started to think that today would be a good day to blog.  Why? Because it's hot, humid and utterly gross out - so why not go for a run right?!  Yes, there is some sarcasm in that one.  Yesterday while I was at work I didn't leave the office all day from fear of wilting.  Luckily I have motivation built into my workspace because I run with a co-worker.  Throughout the day we had an ongoing conversation where it was agreed that we would go running after work, but the when was the variable.  Should we run right after work? Should we wait and run in the evening? Would it be better (aka cooler) to run a couple of hours after 5pm?  We had quite a few hallway meet ups where we bounced these questions around (our co-workers get a kick out of this - or maybe they just think we are a little nutty - could be a combination of both).

Eventually we decided to compromise and run at 6:30 after looking at the hourly forecast on the weather.com website and seeing that it wouldn't be back down into the low 80s until close to midnight.  I also looked at this wonderful little heat index chart (above) and saw that we were only in the extreme caution portion of the chart, not danger so that made me feel better.  This is where you fully appreciate and realize the dedication you have to running and the runner's bond that comes along with these experiences. 

I went down to Kelly's house (which is just around the corner from me) with a hydration pack (aka water fanny pack) and a hand held bottle for Kelly, because while I love to run I am not retarded and understand that even for a shorter distance with high heat and humidity cool water will make a huge impact on the overall run.  Why not set yourself up to feel good rather than shitty?  Good philosophy right - simple and to the point.  On a run in the heat there is little to no concern with appearances - which I really love. It is all about hair back, sports bra, shorts and sneaks.  Nothing extra or unnecessary which is probably why I always feel so badass after a summer run.  It is hot and most people are trying to stay cool, but instead your effort goes into getting your miles in.  We chose a route that took us along the water and out to Kingston Point Beach (where there is a solid view of the Kingston Rhinecliff Bridge).  We looped up Delaware Ave (where there is a pretty substantial climb) and hooked back onto Broadway for the home stretch.  What I haven't mentioned is that Kelly hadn't run since the beginning of last week so just getting out and doing a run is a huge accomplishment - now add on high temps, humidity, and unrelenting hills and you have our run.  It inspired me that she would just get out there and do it knowing full well that it would be hard.  Luckily while it was tough, running with someone really does help push you.  The beauty of this run was that is was a really strong run despite the heat.  It was just under 4 miles, but it was exactly what we needed it to be.  So good in fact that we went out again this morning! 

just once

Yesterday afternoon I got an email from a friend who asked me if I wanted to go for a hike afterwork.  Sounded like fun and it was a gorgeous day, except that I needed to get a run in.  I wrote him back saying that maybe we could figure out a plan for after my run, to which I got a reply saying that if I was interested he would run with me.  OK so seems pretty to the point and simple, but to me it was really surprising because it isn't so often that someone who doesn't run wants to.  I have to admit this is one of my favs and it also made me think about why I love to run so much, but I will get back to that.  To me when someone who isn't a runner decides that they want run - it says something to me.  I guess in the simplest form it is wanting to do something and part of that is making some type of a change.  Maybe it is just to have a new experience or to be outside or to spend some honest time with a friend.  That's why running is amazing.  There is no way that you can fake a run and it is pretty hard to bullshit while you are out there.  There is chit chat and silence and you have to be comfortable with both.  You are in your skin and you hear your breath moving whether or not you want to.  I knew that on this particular run that my friend would let me set the pace - so we ran 5.25 miles on the shaded windy roads of beautiful mt tremper, but the mileage part of the run didn't really matter. It wasn't until that last mile or so that I could tell that he was getting tired, but that's where you push. You think that you just don't have it in you - but you do - you just need to reach for it.  The reason I found this run to be so special is because it was with one of my best friends who is moving and making some changes in his life.  I really appreciate (more then I can write) that he wanted to spend time with me doing what I love and for giving running a chance - for that I am thankful.  When I don't know what I am doing I run; when I am tired I run.  I always feel there is that support there.  Just like with friendships you support decisions, goals and unknowing vision whether or not they are yours.   

I understand that running isn't alluring to everyone - in the beginning it sucks.  It is uncomfortable and breathing is difficult, but once you move through that phase and your body adjusts it becomes second nature.  When we were running yesterday I kept thinking that I actually prefer running to walking.  The movement of running is so graceful and smooth.  Each motion forward is controlled and at the same time free.  Your breath is focused and kept in your core; your steps are light and quick and they draw energy for the next ones.  You hear everything in a different way and are acutely aware of your surroundings.  Sometimes you let your mind wander and thoughts pass through (insecurities, memories, feelings) and other times you focus on goals or let yourself just be in motion.  For me, running has helped me define myself and along all these miles I have become a strong runner and a happier person. 

Go run - just once.

the fire

I have been in this pseudo-non training lie-to-myself phase where I have been saying that I am not training, but really I am in a scaled down way (so I guess I just admitted it). I think that I have just been worried that after all my months of training that I would lose fitness, which is kind of inevitable because it's not entirely practical (or even possible) to stay at that level all the time (but I want to).  During the last month I have shied away from longer runs and focused instead on short fun runs.  A week or so ago I decided to bring the longer run back.  I did a 9 mile trail run last week and an 8 miler this past Wednesday.  I did these runs just to push myself a little (and to feel the confidence that a longer run brings).  On both of these runs I didn't feel tired and actually felt like I could keep going.  The reason that I am writing this is because I start "real" training again in another two weeks and I am scared.  I am scared to go through it all again.  I think these feelings will pass, but they are there.  I guess i am still just really close to it and all the emotions that are involved with committing to train for another 18 weeks.  Maybe it is just realistic because I know what it can be like; maybe it is harder because I know what I am capable of and see where I need to push. I think that I really want to see what happens next.  If you know me, then this probably sounds about right huh?  Sometimes I do things a little over the top but it's because I feel really strongly about the things that I love. 

I also just don't know what I would do otherwise.  Where would all the time go? If you have ever run or even just experienced one really good run you know exactly what I am talking about.  I long for the feeling of a weightless run, which really does happen from time to time or a run where the day just disappears and everything is just happening in one clear clean moment.  I run because of those moments when there is nothing else but to just keep going. 


"I ran to be free; I ran to avoid pain; I ran to feel pain; I ran out of love and hate and anger and joy" Dagny Scott

in the moment

Today marks one month since my marathon.  It feels like way longer then that to me.  I am actually missing my long runs and the running induced feelings of almost invincibility on a day-to-day basis.  The only thing to do is to make a new plan!! My new plan includes the Beacon Duathlon in July, the Rock n' Roll Providence Half Marathon in August, my beloved Dutchess County Classic Half Marathon in September with my sights set on the Philadelphia Marathon in late November.  My approach with be to focus month-by-month on training and not to look too far ahead.  The thing is that when you get down to running and the real reasons that keep you going it has more to do achieving goals and the redefining of self then anything else. 

Run because you can and because anything is possible when you are focused and committed.  I hope to see you out along the way! 

begin again

I think that I have to keep this blog going after all! After a few weeks of resting and some simple fun runs I think that the marathon wasn't the end.  Within the first few days after the marathon people were asking me the "what's next?" question.   At first my answer was who knows I am still enjoying this one, but then I started to ask myself what is next?  What do I see myself doing? Do I take a break or do I make a new plan?  What happened is I came to the conclusion that running and training is an important part of my life that I am not ready to scale back.  That doesn't mean that I am not cutting back because I do see how rest is part of even considering doing anything else.  I want my runs this month to be joyous and not dictated by mileage, so that is exactly what I have been doing.  I still get in 4 days but the deal that I made with myself is that I can run whatever mileage that I want and on whatever terrain I am feeling into (road, trail, path).  I also decided that I have to embrace that there is a part of me that is heavily goal-orientated and just go with it. 

I picked a local spirit duathlon as a new goal for July. I will train 4 weeks for it - starting next week and I just want to have a good time.  I have been looking at my bike longingly the last month or so, so this is my way of putting it to good use.  Of course that's not the whole story, but if you know me and you are reading this you probably already guessed that.  To step back for a second my original intention of running a spring marathon was to potentially run a fall one - nothing like dreaming big right?!  I sort of dropped that idea mid-way through training for the shear fact that my body, brain and soul just couldn't get on board with everything else I was going through.  After settling down a bit I have decided to train to run another marathon in November (with a half in August ).  That's the plan for now...to be honest now that I have a better idea of how to train and what to expect I am really looking forward to seeing how I can improve in six months.  I feel really strong and ready to tackle something else.  It is actually an attainable and realistic goal so why not right?!!

breathe and run

It has been awhile since my last post and it seems like the right time to finally write about my last week or so.  For most of you who know me you know I have ulcerative colitis, but in case you didn't now you do.  I haven't had any type of problem with it in close to two years, so last week caught me a bit off guard when I started to feel sick.  I had put away some medicine just in case something like this happened and used all of what I had last week trying to pull my body back together.  Then on Wednesday I was in a car accident which left me pretty shaken (and my car towed away for body work).  Luckily after a trip to the er I emerged sore but ok. Funny thing is while I was sitting on the curb looking at my damaged car waiting for the police to come all I was thinking about was I hope I will still be able to run this weekend (which was this past weekend). 

It seemed like everything was just going wrong.  Everyone says that the week before you run a marathon you should just take it easy and not let stress affect you in any way - well I guess my life is slightly different then that.  I decided to settle on a different philosophy last week - mine was maybe if everything goes wrong Sunday will go right.  Even on the way up the Albany to see my brother graduate my sister's boyfriend got pulled over twice for speeding on the Taconic within 5 minutes.  Everything was starting to seem a little bleak and maybe like it wasn't meant to be.  Luckily I have a super awesome support system so my sister and her boyfriend Peter kept encouraging me saying that this is what I have been training to do so I should just do it (and that worse case scenario that if I felt really sick they would come get me).  I decided that I hadn't come this far to not even try, so I woke up Sunday and got dressed to run.  

While I wasn't feeling my best I got everything together (sneaks, hydration pack, ipod, gels) and got ready to roll.  Everything just felt really surreal.  My mom and John drove me to start and helped me get mentally ready.  I picked my spot at the start and got situated to settle in.  I definitely got excited at that point.  As the race started and I ran everything felt better.  I starting thinking to myself "you never know what is going to happen or what to expect, but you can just deal with it as it comes up" - and that's what I did.  The first 5  miles were fun.  I was running at a fairly slow and comfortable pace (and even though it was raining it felt amazing).  I struggled between miles 6-10 and then again getting to the half marathon mark.  It was pouring rain at that point and the roads we were running on were dirt with lots of rocks and puddles.  I hit the half marathon mark at about 2:34 and just kept running. 

 

At about mile 17 I started to get pumped again and thought that if I kept focused I could run a sub 5 hour marathon.  Mile 18 felt good and I saw some family friends.  Right before mile 20 I saw my family and all I remember saying was "I'm almost at mile 20" and smiling and waving.  At mile 20 I started thinking holy shit I am actually gonna finish this shit (those were my exact thoughts).  And that's when going slow in the beginning paid off; I never hit the wall and I never felt tired.  I kept thinking you run more then a 10K after work you've got this.  Basically I just counted down the miles and watched my pace.  Every mile closer just felt better than the one before it.  

At mile 25 I decided that it was time and I could see the tents at the finish so I just picked it up.  I ran past all my family and friends who had braved the crappy weather to cheer me on and it felt so good to hear them calling my name.  I ran up the road and came onto the grass to run the chute to the finish.  I can't even express how proud I felt running across the finish line and seeing the clock.  

Running 26.2 miles (and all the training that I did to get me there) was the best thing that I have ever done.  When I was running the marathon not one shred of doubt entered my mind.  I knew that I would get there as long as I didn't give up.  I believed in myself in a way that I have never experienced before.  Run proud!

Thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way!!!

the week of calm

Oddly enough I am starting to feel calm, which goes against everything I have been reading about the taper week.  I guess I feel like I have finally settled into all of this and am actually ready to run.  I am enjoying the taper because I feel like I finally stopped putting any pressure on myself and I am back to just getting outside and enjoying my runs.  I went out on a 4 miler yesterday and it was awesome - thinking back to it there were moments were I felt like I was flying.  It just all worked.  I felt fast and it never felt like I was putting in too much effort.  My plan is to run today and either run again tomorrow or do a spinning class and that is it. Wow it feels so good to write that.  I rest for a few days and then it's on. 

During my run yesterday I practiced visualizing finishing and seeing my family and friends.  I have learned that it really takes a huge amount of practice (and mental coaching) to remain positive and to not doubt myself.  No matter how crazy all of this training has been, it is all about me getting outside and running (enjoying being outside, pushing myself and seeing that as long as you don't give up you can get there).  Up to 438 logged miles since the last week in January.  I am really proud.  This hasn't been smooth sailing, but really what is? You start out with your ideal and then reality is what happens; you get hurt and you keep going not giving up on your goal.  When I am running I feel strong and buoyant.  Sometimes I wish that I was able to feel like that all the time, but for now I am happy to feel it at all. 

T. S. Eliot: wrote, "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

Now onto the technical part of this...I have been wearing my race sneakers to work this week so that I get the lacing down (and get more comfortable wearing them).  I have been tracking the amount of water that I drink during the day (on my 8th glass of water today) and am eating clean.  Other than that my allergies are killing me.  I have my race day outfit ready to go and will pack up my gear on Thursday night. 5 days to go!!!

Sometimes it happens

“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.” -Neil Gaiman

The excitement has been building the last few days and I think that I have been dealing with letting go of the fear I have about the distance.  I didn't decide to do this because I thought it would be easy or even enjoyable all the time.  I decided to train for this because I want to see clearly who I am; that it is possible.  I know that I can run 20 miles and I know I can run a 10K, but I have never run them together.  I think that I have to look at what motivates me because that is what is going to keep me going when I want to stop.  I also need to see what I have already accomplished.  Maybe a recap is a good place to start? I am now comfortable running a half marathon like it is a "normal" run.  How awesome is that? 

I started my taper this week and it feels really good to take a step back.  No weekday runs more than 4-6 miles other then my last "long run" which will be either tomorrow or Saturday (8-10 miles).  My ankle is feeling better after some much needed special care. I am going to head over to the track today after work and try and get my marathon pace down.  I am pretty comfortable with pacing, but have a little trouble holding back and running slower than I want to sometimes. I am hoping that a little track work will get me to slow it down a bit and focus on conserving energy for the final push.  This is my body and this is what I can run.   

I have been consistent in my training from the beginning and have dealt with nagging minor inquires and have remained positive and realistic about my goals.  I am thinking (as I write this) about how I plan to run this: 1. first 3 miles as a warm up  2. the next 7 miles to enjoy running and being outside  3. 10 miles to focus on staying in the right mindset  and 4. running the last 10K with heart; to give it everything I have left.  I have found that breaking longer runs into segments helps to keep me going when the end seems so far off.

I want to not get ahead of myself and use everything that I have learned over the last 4 months as my touchstones.  It is easy to doubt yourself, but harder to let it go and allow yourself to feel free of worry.  For a time I would focus on my legs when I was getting tired and just will them to keep moving because I had thought that my body would just keep going.  What I have learned is that running is more from your core and if you focus on your breath and compactness of the movement itself and stay in your mind (while allowing your thoughts to move) then everything else just follows.  Your breath is calm and your own push drives you.  I think about how lucky I am to have this opportunity, how much i love (and feel love) from my friends and family, and what strength means to me.  One of my favorite books is Observatory Mansions by Edward Carey.  What I love about (and relate to) this book is that the main character Francis, who is this reclusive collector and cataloguer of objects, "works' as a human statue and observes what he calls "inner and outer silence" - this resonates with me because, well you know that I love to collect things, but more so because that silence signifies a sense of stillness in self. That is what I have been working towards. 

Hello May!!

T-minus two weeks!  This weekend was an interesting one running-wise.  I set-out on Saturday for my last double-digit long run (which when I actually looked at my long runs equates to running distances each weekend equal to 7+ half marathons-crazypants right?!!) No wonder why I am tired.  I woke up on Saturday tired, but looking forward to spending some time outside because the weather was absolutely gorgeous- yeah if only I knew how is was actually going to be.  This is why I love writing this blog because I am going to be honest about what happened rather than just saying "it was a good run" - that would be a lie in some senses.  Ok so within the first 3 miles I realized that my GPS wasn't working and had to accept that I just needed to turn it off and keep running, rather then focusing on it lying to me about where I was on my run (which psychologically really messes with me).  Made it to about mile 5ish and started to have some serious tummy troubles (due in part to the fact that I had half of a protein shake (i.e. dairy) before my run.  Yes, I admit to this and am fully aware that this was not the best idea ever, but for some reason I thought everything would be fine.  Ohhh wait did I mention that I also decided to break-in my new running shoes on this run as well (see photo below).  Again, not the best idea ever but they need to be broken in, so the choices of how to break them in are kind of limited (on the up side I experience absolutely no knee pain on this run). 

Back to mile 7 and every little step is moving my tummy in ways that I am just not equipped to describe.  I finally give in and walk because it is just time to find a bathroom. I find a lovely little gas station with a dingy tiny bathroom and feel much much better after, not 100% or even 75%, but good enough to keep the trek going. I pull it together and get home with about 14 miles under my belt. 

What I am proudest about is I didn't give up.  I kept moving and finished the run.  What may be even more important is that I didn't beat myself up because it didn't go the way that I planned.  I saw the humor in it.  I was miles away from home, didn't feel good and still did it (though that was partially because I actually needed to get home).  The point is: 1. don't eat dairy before a run  2. carry tp with you (you never know)  3. just keep moving - who cares if you run - just put one foot in front of the other and eventually you will get somewhere AND 4. break-in your cute sneakers over a few runs. 

I got home and took off my sneakers to find a disgusting blood blister, which needed to be operated on and then I passed out on my couch until the evening.  When I finally ventured away from my couch I discovered that I was completely sunburnt.  Fun times! Went to bed, got up and got dressed to do a trail run 5K in Esopus.  I got there and was super excited to be around other runners in a beautiful setting in the woods on an amazingly clear and warm day.  The running community is such a supportive one.  It's all these people who most of the time are running by themselves who come together for a race and then you hear about what other people are going through (all the miles that they are putting in, aches and pains and numerous racing accomplishments - it is pretty inspiring). 

This trail run was tough (i guess that's why it is called a trail run, but basically it is like going on a hike but running the entire thing). We ran up and down and around on trails with rocks and tree roots.  Most of the paths were covered in leaves and we had to cross a stream.  I met a woman at the beginning of the race and we ended up pacing each other which really helped.  I think that hardest part of trail running is watching your footing while looking ahead to make sure you are on the trail. 

It was pretty great and then all of a sudden we were in a clearing with the clock in sight. I picked it up, finished and was eating quinoa chili and cornbread and chatting it up in no time.  The advice that a 61-year old runner (who just ran Boston) gave me was to not hurt myself in the next two weeks (fingers and toes crossed), to go to a track and run my marathon pace over and over until I get it down per mile, and to start my marathon running the first 3 miles slower then I want to (at least 10:40 splits). Sure, I'll take that. She also asked me where my watch was?  I answered, "but this is for fun" (insert a giggle here).  Finished out the weekend with some playground time with my sister and niece. Hello May!! 

unforeseen uncomplications

I almost feel like I have been writing this blog in my head for the last few days, so here it goes for real.  To keep you up-to-date on my stats (because we all know how important it is to log miles). I did a run of close to 16 miles on Saturday morning.  It hurt and I ran through it.  I cross trained yesterday and ran a 4 miler this morning, but that is almost the end of the story so...

This whole marathon thing has become much more complicated then I ever thought it would be.  Why you may wonder (it is running and that in itself is somewhat simple right)?!  Well in some ways yes, but add a slightly complicated person into the mix and now you have a whole new beast.  You get your shoes on and get outside and you just move right?  But what happens is you are going somewhere and nowhere in every run.  

You run then you rest and then you run again.  What happens in between though is that you (or me since I can only really speak for myself) have to answer all these other questions about why this one event is so important that I no longer want to sleep in on Saturday mornings.  For me, the last three or so weeks have been really tough.  I have struggled with some knee problems, but I think what has been even more difficult then that is that I am finally answering some of the larger questions that motivate me (to run, to be a better person, and why I am who I am).

It seems like all of these miles are actually unraveling or getting to the core of what I think about when I run and how I feel about myself.  In some ways it sort of feels backwards, but today when I was running it just hit me that maybe these are the things that I need to actually look at and not run away from; that my awareness to these things (fleeting feelings, nagging insecurities, etc.) will actually keep me running because maybe I am running past them or through them (to finish this marathon and pursue other interests and goals)?

At the suggestion of a friend I sat down last night and thought about what is really important to me and made a list of those things (short-term to start out) that I would like to spend some time on.  Looking at my fridge door maybe this makes a bit more sense. 


Oddly enough my running list was significantly shorter then my other lists (which included: my artwork, my life, my apt).  I guess in this whole process I am seeing myself in a new way and because of that I have to shift those other parts of my life to achieve a new balance. 

i love running...there is no denying that.  But what I am contemplating now is what exactly are my goals (or dreams).  I run this and then what?  This one day is just that one important day that I have spend months preparing for.  When i run and things are tough my mantra is define yourself.  Sometimes these are just words and sometimes they become part of an inner dialogue that I have with myself about who I am and who I would like to see myself become.  This question/statement can stay in my mind for a few seconds or I can go over and over this for hours.  You can learn alot about yourself on 3 hour runs alone if you are willing to look. 

In case you didn't get some of the crankiness I have been feeling in the other blogs - here it is. I am admitting that this has been alot of work. I have questioned myself alot over the last three or so months.  Questioned my strength, my view of myself, and my physical ability to do this - and after all this I think that I am almost ready to run. 

I just went outside before and was surprised not only by the heat, but by the humidity. I came back inside and decided that I should sign-up for a local 5K trail run this sunday.  Not because it is part of my training, but because I want to be outside and run in the woods.  Simple and uncomplicated. Happy. 

the fear

So here is my weekend recap...rested Thursday and Friday and had a terrible Saturday long run.  When I say terrible I mean it!!  I woke up tired and by mile 5 my knee was killing me.  My knee was just so tight every step was just ridiculous.  I never and I mean never stop to walk and I totally did (and I am admitting that).  All I could think was that if I kept going I was really going to damage my knee.  Luckily, I shortened the run and was almost home by the time I was feeling this crappy.  What I am most proud of about this run is I didn't beat myself up for not getting the number of miles in that I had wanted to.  Normally my first impulse would be that I would just be disappointed in myself for not doing what I set out to do.  Instead I was just happy that I got a run in and I also need to come up with an updated game plan for getting through the next month.  For this I am happy because I am trying to learn how to deal with the unexpected - not a bad skill to have. 

A little later in the day  I hobbled away with my mom and brother to Vermont (and I only had a moderate Frankenstein walk at that point) where we were treated to yummy food, beautiful views and lovely company.  Yesterday my mom, my aunt and I drove the marathon course - WOW is all I have to say.  I didn't really want to see the whole course but I did.  Not that that was the best thing ever but now I know.  I don't mean to sound silly or unthoughtful, but it was FAR and there were miles upon miles that were simply unpaved packed dirt and gravel.  In one way I am really looking forward to the unpaved roads because overall it will be easier on my knees, but these were some serious mountain roads.  On top of the terrain I was also wondering about inclines, which all in all didn't look so bad - but you never know what something is going to feel like miles and miles into a run.  

I am still in it, but a little scared about all these variables that are coming up.  I am just trying to ground myself in putting in some good training this week and figuring out the rest of this as I go.  It seems like a good idea to stick to some spinning this week and see how my knee is towards the end of the week.  I ordered some SpiderTech tape and am hoping that will help.  In the meantime I just want to run, but instead have to switch it up in order to get to run.

Thursdays and rest

I went to an amazing spinning class.  What you may ask makes a spinning (or bicycle-to-nowhere) class so amazing?  This class just has alot of energy and a good selection of electronic|dance music which keeps the pace pretty fast (and never seems to end).  Well that and the instructor yelling at you to "go faster, work harder" always seems to do the trick.  Half way through the class I was entirely drenched in sweat and utterly loving life - pretty stellar that it is that easy right?!!

I decided that tonight rather then cramming in another workout I am going to go see my sister and niece.  I have noticed a big shift in my energy levels when I give myself two back-to-back rest days before a long run.  As of tomorrow it will be exactly a month away, which I am starting to actually get excited about.  This weekend I am off to Vermont with my mom to check-out part of the course.  I was thinking about it yesterday and some of the other reasons that I wanted to run this specific marathon are that alot of what I remember from my childhood is running around outside with my cousins in Vermont.  This is all sort of making sense in a number of different ways.  It is also something that I can also share with my family and close friends (though I am quite sure that at this point they are probably pretty tired of hearing about running). 

I can't even express how much support I have felt this entire time I have been training.  When you feel that much support, on the days where you can't even fathom anymore training it helps to push you forward.  Sometimes when I am really tired I will run a route where there are alot of cars, no not because I have a death wish, because I wouldn't want anyone to see me slow down or stop.  It doesn't really make a ton a sense since really my runs only mean something to me, but it still helps.  On longer runs I have imagined friends running with me and when it gets really tough I think to myself they wouldn't stop so why should I?  I have also implemented a new running strategy for what I consider to be a bad run.  For me a bad run is when I don't have energy; when my legs, heart, and mind don't work together or just my rhythm is off.  What I have started doing is rerunning the exact same route on another day.  I do this to help banish any bad feelings that I am holding to one particular run or day.  Ok so I think that you may be getting a sense of the type of psychological tricks that I use to push through - whatever works!!

 

why so rainy spring?

Ok so today didn't start off so stellar, but I said a blog a day so here goes...yes, I am still tired due to my own silliness.  Instead let's backtrack to yesterday - so the sky was super dark almost all day and I was watching the weather online at work hoping that I wouldn't have to run on the mill at the gym (referred to as the mill for a number of reasons).  By the afternoon it looked like I would be able to get an outside run in afterwork, so I rushed home to get out before the rain (which sort of worked, but it did rain a bit - those huge heavy raindrops before a storm).  I just did a short tempo run of 4.2 miles at a 9:13 pace.  It was a really enjoyable run (avec compression knee brace).  I really love the short fast run, it is such a different mindset then the log run.  When I got home my stomach was bothering me a little so I just ate some soup.  I am trying to eat less diary this week to see if there is any positive effect on how I am feeling.  I have been having green smoothies for breakfast and was using whey powder, but am seeing if a hemp|cacao blend works any better. I really love Odwalla's protein drinks - the almond protein one is pretty delish with some fresh fruit and coconut yogurt (chia seeds are also a new must). 

My plan for this evening involves a spinning class and my couch.  I noticed this morning that while my knee wasn't bothering me that the front of my leg (inside of my shin below my knee) is pretty tender to the touch. I am going to get tonight's class in and then do some core training tomorrow (with no running until Saturday).   I ordered Born to Run yesterday as my impulse motivational Tuesday purchase so I am looking forward to reading it when it arrives.  OHHH also i have been doing my shorter runs in the Brooks green silence (why? recycled materials, non-toxic dyes, and water-based adhesives) and I have to share with you that it is pure foot love. I just feel so much faster in them!   

Run, eat, rest

After my first blog, last night I started thinking "what am am going to talk about tomorrow?" and then I made myself stop because I want to write each day as it happens.  I had planned on getting up early this morning to go for a run before work, but I couldn't fall asleep last night, so when my alarm went off I simply ignored it and reset it for the appropriate work wake-up time.  This is the thing about training and training schedules you become a compulsive rescheduler | internal bargainer.  What this means in its simplest explanation and form is that the week starts by looking at the weather, evaluating how you feel and then factoring in time to hang out with friends, going grocery shopping, doing laundry etc.  Sounds fun right?!  Thus normal things such as buying food and socializing become secondary in some ways to when "the run" is scheduled.  For me what works the best is the FIRST method (which if you want you can look up), but basically what it is is 3 days running a week including one speedwork day, one tempo run and a long run on the weekend.  This is supplemented by two days of cross-training.  I usually do either a spinning class and/or pilates/weight training depending on how I am feeling.  This is where it gets slightly complicated because there are times when you are just beat and the last thing that you want to do is anything at all, other then sit on the couch and relax.  What happens is you bargain with yourself about what you can actually so.  For a long time I tried to stay to a strict schedule, but found myself wanting to take a break (and get a beer).  It wasn't that I ever doubted my commitment to running because that has pretty much been unwavering since the beginning.  Through various parts of my life running remains my constant.  I have run through relationships, moves in jobs and living situations, changes in seasons - all in the hope to experience the breeze on my face or a 1/2 mile of feeling completly free. 

Maybe it's also helpful for me the mention a little more about how my training has been going so far. My plan is to run the Shires Marathon from Bennington VT to Manchester VT on May 15th, 2011.  I picked this race because I have family in Bennington so I would be able to see them, eat my pre-raced dinner and also run in the environment that I love the most (a rural area).  I approached my training, because there is so much of it, in month-by-month blocks, meaning that I never looked past one month at a time. I did this for some obvious reasons, the biggest being that I didn't want to share the shit out of myself.  The focus of each week for me ends up being the ever-daunting-sometimes-awesome (when they are over) weekend long run.  I think that I have been running double digit long runs for close to 2 months at this point.  The nice thing about them (yes there is something nice about them) is that when I have a week where the run is long (for example this past week was a 15.3 mile run) the next week takes a step down, which is necessary to rest and pull it together for the next one.  Two week ago I ran a 30K (one of my proudest running accomplishments to date) and after that run my left knee has been bothering me a bit.  After dealing with the first impulse thoughts of "i'm out" i have been training 4 days a week.  It has been hard for me to accept that sometimes I have to shift my expectations of myself.  I just expect my body to be on the same page as my mind. I felt a little overwhelmed that most training plans were saying that it was really important to run two 20 milers prior to a marathon, but am thankful to everyone else on the internet for saying that 16-18 is just as good.  Who knows?! Either I destroy myself pushing to get a 20 miler in or try and recover and get another 18-20 miler in next weekend and start my taper the week after.  Maybe part of training to run a marathon is also figuring out solutions to what actually happens when you train?

My other focus (and interest) has also been trying eat fairly clean (i.e unprocessed foods / whole grains / lots of veggies) because if I am going to expect my body to perform at a certain level then I have to fuel it (this is not the say that I have given up dark chocolate and other treats - just as my disclaimer).  I was also starting to feel a little tired and wondered if I was missing something in my vegetarian diet.  Overall, I think that I am doing pretty good minus the fact that I think I could live off of beer pizza (maybe that will be another blog with photos and a recipe) even though I don't.  On top of having a slightly ridiculous running schedule to think about, I also try to eat every two hours during the work day (so I am not only thinking about training but when my next snack is and if I am drinking enough water).  Running has made me very aware of my body and how I feel day-to-day. The days that I feel my best are the ones where I eat the smartest (and sleep a full night).  Cross your fingers and toes tonight is one of them. 

33 Days and Post 1

I decided that today is the day that it all starts, well at least from this point forward I am going to document the next 33 days of my training, my life (which is heavily entrenched in training) and all other things that come up.  My intention is to share my experience during this last part of my training.  It may be interesting; it may be boring - but right now this is what I have and what I am trying to do.  Most of the time I find myself wondering "does anyone else think about hydration, diet, running schedules, benefits of compression garments, etc.?" - along with the day-to-day issues of just living life - being creative and staying positive about this one huge goal that I have decided I am checking off my list this year. 

I see the best starting point is explaining a little about myself and how this all came about so here goes (and I will keep it short and sweet)...I am a 33 year old daydreamer who has struggled to stay in the present and achieve goals for what feels like a large part of my life (at least that is how I see it, which may or may not be true).  I consciously decided to embrace that side of myself that is part overachiever and since then my life in many ways races with itself as a proving ground to becoming who I want to be.  It also has become the motivating factor to achieving the ever-growing list goals that I set for myself. If this is sounding complicated, well welcome to my world. 

My first road race was a little over 5 years ago and was the glorious Delaware River Run (5K) in the ohh so beautiful Port Ewen, NY.  At this run, I was so ill-prepared that I had actually never even run outside, but had decided this was the day and needless to say that while I finished in a fairly respectable 31 minutes and some change (and felt so awesome at the end I had to vomit) this is what started it all.  I wanted to be stronger and I wanted the act of running itself to be fun, which on a good day it is.  On a hard day it is work, but there is never a day that I regret putting my sneakers on and either getting out of my head or working something seemingly impossible out to merely just a passing thought. 

Five plus years later with 6 half marathons (and a fridge full of race bids) under my belt I decided it was time to do what I have been dreaming about (both in daydreams and in a few nightmares).  Why a marathon you may wonder (and yes I know that many of you do wonder)? Because why not?  Maybe that's not really an answer, but every run that I go out on gets myself a little closer to my answer or maybe to the core question that keeps me running.  It is this part of myself against my old self that is a chain-smoking slacker who wanted to get outside and see what it is like to just experience each moment for what it is (painful, beautiful, hard, joyous, proud, never-ending) and all the emotions that you go through and process in your time outside (or the time inside when the weather is bad).  

I had this moment when I ran the Philadelphia half marathon this past November when I hit mile 13 and thought "I think I can go further and actually feel good" and that is part of of what has kept me going.  Skip forward to my present and I am 15 weeks into training with two 18+ mile runs under my belt, weeks upon weeks of double-digit runs spanning 2+ hours of running and some minor knee pain along with numerous other stories that somehow all tie into running (at least in my mind they do).  I could talk about the specifics of my training but instead think that I am going to focus on how each day looks to me.   

Welcome to my day 33, which includes an 8 hour work day to be followed by an hour of weight training (focusing on core strength) and a 3 miler to set the pace for this week.  Ready?