the fire

I have been in this pseudo-non training lie-to-myself phase where I have been saying that I am not training, but really I am in a scaled down way (so I guess I just admitted it). I think that I have just been worried that after all my months of training that I would lose fitness, which is kind of inevitable because it's not entirely practical (or even possible) to stay at that level all the time (but I want to).  During the last month I have shied away from longer runs and focused instead on short fun runs.  A week or so ago I decided to bring the longer run back.  I did a 9 mile trail run last week and an 8 miler this past Wednesday.  I did these runs just to push myself a little (and to feel the confidence that a longer run brings).  On both of these runs I didn't feel tired and actually felt like I could keep going.  The reason that I am writing this is because I start "real" training again in another two weeks and I am scared.  I am scared to go through it all again.  I think these feelings will pass, but they are there.  I guess i am still just really close to it and all the emotions that are involved with committing to train for another 18 weeks.  Maybe it is just realistic because I know what it can be like; maybe it is harder because I know what I am capable of and see where I need to push. I think that I really want to see what happens next.  If you know me, then this probably sounds about right huh?  Sometimes I do things a little over the top but it's because I feel really strongly about the things that I love. 

I also just don't know what I would do otherwise.  Where would all the time go? If you have ever run or even just experienced one really good run you know exactly what I am talking about.  I long for the feeling of a weightless run, which really does happen from time to time or a run where the day just disappears and everything is just happening in one clear clean moment.  I run because of those moments when there is nothing else but to just keep going. 


"I ran to be free; I ran to avoid pain; I ran to feel pain; I ran out of love and hate and anger and joy" Dagny Scott