unforeseen uncomplications

I almost feel like I have been writing this blog in my head for the last few days, so here it goes for real.  To keep you up-to-date on my stats (because we all know how important it is to log miles). I did a run of close to 16 miles on Saturday morning.  It hurt and I ran through it.  I cross trained yesterday and ran a 4 miler this morning, but that is almost the end of the story so...

This whole marathon thing has become much more complicated then I ever thought it would be.  Why you may wonder (it is running and that in itself is somewhat simple right)?!  Well in some ways yes, but add a slightly complicated person into the mix and now you have a whole new beast.  You get your shoes on and get outside and you just move right?  But what happens is you are going somewhere and nowhere in every run.  

You run then you rest and then you run again.  What happens in between though is that you (or me since I can only really speak for myself) have to answer all these other questions about why this one event is so important that I no longer want to sleep in on Saturday mornings.  For me, the last three or so weeks have been really tough.  I have struggled with some knee problems, but I think what has been even more difficult then that is that I am finally answering some of the larger questions that motivate me (to run, to be a better person, and why I am who I am).

It seems like all of these miles are actually unraveling or getting to the core of what I think about when I run and how I feel about myself.  In some ways it sort of feels backwards, but today when I was running it just hit me that maybe these are the things that I need to actually look at and not run away from; that my awareness to these things (fleeting feelings, nagging insecurities, etc.) will actually keep me running because maybe I am running past them or through them (to finish this marathon and pursue other interests and goals)?

At the suggestion of a friend I sat down last night and thought about what is really important to me and made a list of those things (short-term to start out) that I would like to spend some time on.  Looking at my fridge door maybe this makes a bit more sense. 


Oddly enough my running list was significantly shorter then my other lists (which included: my artwork, my life, my apt).  I guess in this whole process I am seeing myself in a new way and because of that I have to shift those other parts of my life to achieve a new balance. 

i love running...there is no denying that.  But what I am contemplating now is what exactly are my goals (or dreams).  I run this and then what?  This one day is just that one important day that I have spend months preparing for.  When i run and things are tough my mantra is define yourself.  Sometimes these are just words and sometimes they become part of an inner dialogue that I have with myself about who I am and who I would like to see myself become.  This question/statement can stay in my mind for a few seconds or I can go over and over this for hours.  You can learn alot about yourself on 3 hour runs alone if you are willing to look. 

In case you didn't get some of the crankiness I have been feeling in the other blogs - here it is. I am admitting that this has been alot of work. I have questioned myself alot over the last three or so months.  Questioned my strength, my view of myself, and my physical ability to do this - and after all this I think that I am almost ready to run. 

I just went outside before and was surprised not only by the heat, but by the humidity. I came back inside and decided that I should sign-up for a local 5K trail run this sunday.  Not because it is part of my training, but because I want to be outside and run in the woods.  Simple and uncomplicated. Happy.