and so the story goes

I have been thinking about writing my blog for awhile, but nothing was really standing out as blogworthy so I have been quiet - until today. You all know I run and that I am training for the Philadelphia Marathon in November (and if you didn't now you do). We are about 6 weeks out right now with some of the harder runs still to come, but we are moving along. I went for a run afterwork today and this blog started to write itself so here goes! I talk alot about my running and what it means to me. I think that I have been leaving out something really huge that has been affecting me and I want to talk about it.  I have mentioned before that I have ulcerative colitis, but sometimes I mention it in a way that is actually fairly dismissive for something that does effect me in a number of different ways.  I think that the only people who see what it does to me is my family and a few close friends. Otherwise I sort of pretend that it doesn't exist - though as my running partner and boyfriend will tell you - it does!

I think that because for so long I ignored my symptoms and when I say I ignored it, I spend over half a year sick and didn't say anything - for reals. When I was finally diagnosed it was under terrible circumstances that I would never wish on anyone. Try having a colonoscopy when you haven't been able to eat anything and still have to do the prep and all your muscles start cramping - yeah and then do it again a month later still sick.  I lost alot of weight, had no energy and could barely eat anything. And run a marathon during a flare, it will put you in the ER after. But you want what you want so you do it - no one understands the why. They think you are nuts. Most people who are sick are just that sick. But that isn't an answer it is a question about how you want to live your life.

Let's fast forward though because this isn't about that, it is about where I am now. I am living my life on the edge of being an extremely healthy person and fighting with my own shadow.  To hover on that line is the most challenging thing that I have ever done.  Running a 20 miler doesn't even compare - to be honest it helps my resolve. I can tell when I am on the edge of being sick and once I cross over into having a flare shit gets real fast - maybe a little pun intended. What is hardest is that for all intensive purposes I look fine for the most part.

For most sickness looks sick; for me it doesn't.  I go to work with almost no one knowing what I am feeling unless I say something.  My ulcerative colitis is like a wave; there are parts of the day where I feel fine, which quickly and without warning turn into severe abdominal pain, cramping and an urgency to go the bathroom that I cannot explain except that there is not much relief - though that makes it sound better then it feels. I have been on the edge of a flare for about two months and in it for four days. That doesn't sound long right? These have been the longest most uncomfortable four days. I ran 5 miles afterwork today and it was the best I felt all day, and I mean that. I still didn't feel like myself, but I felt like I was in control of my body and my mind for those 45 minutes - I felt free. 

When I was running I was thinking about what I wanted to get across and I could go into details about what living with an IBD is like, but what I want to convey is more of the idea to accept each day for what it is. I know that there are many people who are much sicker then I am (maybe you are one of them); that they just keep going and face each day with hope. I simply just want to put out there part of what I face; that maybe sometimes I make it sound easy, but it isn't and there is this fire that doesn't fade.  

"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton

c'mon taper!

Somedays my blog writes itself; that is exactly what happened his morning - while running.  I went on my last long run on Saturday (14 miles) and it was HOT and sticky.  We did 7 miles on the road and 7 miles on the trail with the thought being that it would be shadier on the trail and a good switch up for our legs.  Yes, that was true, but we spent 7 miles in pretty direct sunlight without much shade and it took its toll on us for sure.  Normally I wouldn’t bring 2 water bottles for a 14 mile run, but since it was my last long training run I thought it would be good prep, so I did and was very thankful that I had both water and an electrolyte drink (that I did share).  This was a bit of a rough run, though we didn’t talk about it until after we finished and then we shared how tough it actually was.  We laughed at knowing that even though we both felt shitty that we kept the appearance up for each other that it was OK, because it was. I felt done at about mile 11, but I’ve trained for 17 weeks and wasn’t about to blow the confidence that I have been building during the last 3 miles. Ok so you see where I'm going with my Saturday run - not the best ever and not the worst. 
 
Sunday I always take the day off to rest, minus that this Sunday was Mother’s Day and my sister wanted to take a walk with her munchkins – sure I’ll take a walk in my vans – bad move.  We walked the rail trail near her house getting 2.4 miles in and as many of your probably know vans are great lounging hangout footwear, but they are not sneakers and they hurt my poor little pinky toes like nobody’s business. 

Ok still with me?  I didn’t sleep well Sunday night and woke up Monday tired and really not wanting to do much of anything – especially going for a run in the pouring rain.  I skipped it – it’s Monday whatev, I have the rest of the week to work it out.  Woke up this morning to rain showers again and was so comfy cozy.  I wasn’t into it again, but the difference between yesterday and today is my rule is I never take 3 days off from running in a row (and this would be day 3).  The second conundrum is if I want to take Friday and Sunday off then I need to run today to get my days in this week.  Boooo! I sucked it up and got out of bed, found some clean running clothes, grabbed my ipod and my hat and went out.  I cursed in my head all the way up the street and then it switched  - just like that.  Yeah it sucks getting up when you’re tired and have to go to work in an hour and a half, but I have worked unbelievably hard and I am going to be at the start line of the KBVCM knowing that I trained my best e v e r yday, because I did. 

The bargain that I made with myself to get out the door was that I just needed to get 5K in.  A mile and a half in and I started to think strategy for the last 5K of the marathon because I would be tired and should have some sort of plan.  I approached the rest of the run by embracing that yes I am tired and that is why this is the start to my taper. On my way home I felt strong and fast and the voice that tells me “I’m tired” was finally silent.  I got my 5K in and I’m happy with that.  After months of training and logging every single mile I am ready to take the taper in, get some rest and get to the start line. 

“That which is dreamed can never be lost, can never be undreamed.” ― Neil Gaiman

f l o a t

Yesterday was a huge day for me.  I ran 21 miles in 3 hours 55 minutes and 2 seconds - wow - I love writing that! It makes me feel exceptionally proud.  I am three weeks out from running the Keybank Vermont City marathon and I needed a good long run.  The last few 18+ milers were really tough both physically and emotionally and then yesterday was fun - honestly fun (sometimes tough but that is a given with the distance, time and terrain involved).  I ran to Rosendale to meet my running partner (at mile 11) where we ran around Rosendale out Rt 32 and then onto the rail trail out to New Paltz - so 14 miles road and 7 miles on the trail.  A 21 mile run is uncharted territory for me because in my long runs I have done a 17, a 19 and an 18.5 so my goal yesterday was to get between 18-20 miles in and to try and not feel like I was dying (and I won)! 

All of this is planning, strategy, training and luck of the day.  I told myself going out that I needed to make this good; to feel why I want to do this because these are all things (tangible and intangible) that I will need to draw upon when I run the marathon. I needed the confidence that you get from running 20 miles because I know firsthand that you don't need a 20 miler under your belt to run a marathon and feel good.  I did it last year with two 30K runs, but I want to not only finish, but beat my time which is the work and ridiculous emotion that goes into multiple long runs above 15 miles.  These runs test endurance while also being the testing ground to getting this right.  While I don't have any control over the temperature of the day; I have control over when I go out, how I fuel and I how hydrate and these runs have helped me with that.  I finally found the right hydration drink that I can stomach and enjoy over 3 1/2+ hours running (thanks nuun lemon-lime) and Thrive's date energy bites you work for me.  I found the right socks so no blisters which is HUGE and a problem that i have been dealing with for over the month (painful and not so pretty). 

That's the technical part of endurance running; here's the fun part - I loved it.  I felt joy, love and pride in what I did yesterday - so much so I feel like I can't express it in words other then saying it was all encompassing freeness. After all these weeks of dreading the long run I found it; what I have been looking for.  I look forward to going to Burlington and doing this for real with heart, knowing that I can.  What I take from all of the training (the tears, the fear, and the friendship); is that anything is possible - this is real and just like life - don't ever give up!
Today I am still riding my high of yesterday and recovering by relaxing,  Tomorrow I begin again.  35 miles this week - so proud! And I have the most amazing tan and dirt lines to show for it!

"Happiness is being on the beam with life - to feel the pull of life." -Agnes Martin 

triumph over yourself

What is the biggest challenge of training for a marathon?  This is the BIG question.  I am five weeks (or 33 days to be exact) out from my second marathon and it is finally setting in that I am going to make it through my training (though I don’t want to jinx it – so that’s that on that).  Instead let’s celebrate the fact that I have 13 weeks of training under my belt (i.e 13 long runs ranging from 9-19 miles) that in itself is pretty awesome.  Here’s the scoop I have been training 5 days a week – yup you guessed it I am tired, hungry and tired but I love it.  I made this commitment to train and to do everything in my power to be ready in another 5 weeks and it feels like it is working.  Here’s the thing, I had the absolute worst long run of my training cycle this past Saturday and it showed me what I need to do in the next 5 weeks to be ready for Burlington.  When I say the worst training run I mean it.  My mistakes started last week so here’s what happened: I ran 13.1 miles last Saturday then went to pilates Sunday morning – doesn’t sound bad right?  Yeah then I thought it would be a good idea to take a cycling class Monday, to run in the morning and then take a pilates class in the evening Tuesday, run again Wednesday and then take another pilates class Thursday. That’s six days in a row without a rest day – which I should know because it is totally against my workout philosophy.  My general rule is no more then 3 days in a row without a rest day and never more then two off in a row unless you're injured.  I just got really into getting my workouts in and didn’t consider the cumulative effect they would have on me.  Couple that with not sleeping well Friday night and temperatures in the 70s and you have basically have exactly what happened to me - a disaster.  It was a crappy long run for me because I felt terrible – my legs were fatigued right off the bat, it was much warmer then usual and emotionally I was just as tired as my body.  That all said I still got 18.5 miles in so that is a huge success, but it was a rough 3 hours 44 minutes and 9 seconds – and yes I was totally counting! 

What I learned from this is that you will get there as long as you don’t give up or in; that just like I have to get my workouts in I need my rest days to thank my body for what it can do and let it prepare with stillness.  I also think that I need to go back to using an electrolyte drink in warmer weather.  I know that I am capable of finishing a marathon, but I like the challenge of training. Getting back to question what is the biggest challenge my short answer is the ongoing training is the biggest challenge.  You have to constantly and consistently believe in your capacity to achieve your goal.  Everyday I face the same challenges everyone does. I go to work and I am tired, but what I want to achieve is beyond that. Most days I don’t want to run and am always surprised about how amazing I feel after.  It is a lot of time and effort to put into myself – that is the honest truth.  I am learning new things about myself and have taught myself how to manage my thoughts so that a shitty run doesn’t destroy me - that is invaluable.  Everyday is just that another day – another day to figure it out. 

“Happiness consists in realizing it is all a great strange dream”
― Jack Kerouac 

another one d o n e

I wanted to write this one to share what it’s like to run 19 miles (well 18.95 miles and an uncounted cool down) because it is very different from 4 miles, 8 miles, a half marathon – even 16 miles.  It takes you to this edge that asks you over and over again “who are you?” and “do you really want to keep going?”

On saturday I got up at around 8am, but I needed about an hour to actually get myself out of bed.  I had prepped my drinks and date|coconut oil bar (sounds delish right?) the night before and only had to throw my chia gel together (which is better to do last minute or else it gets too thick in consistency and is pretty gross).  All I needed to do was eat a muffin and half a banana (which is what I always eat long run mornings), get dressed and everything else was ready to go.  I headed out the door and was planning to do a loop from my apartment through midtown and into uptown Kingston before swinging back down Broadway and out Route 32 to Rosendale.  My goal was to hit 10 miles before I got into Rosendale where I would scoop up my running buddy Kelly and we would continue out 32 into New Paltz.  My iphone crapped out in the first two miles – which now means it is going to be a good run (it turned back on about 10 minutes later, but I was prepared to go without music if I had to).  My new philosophy is it is better to have little things go wrong in the beginning and just keep it going totally unscathed.  I really enjoyed this first part of my run – it is perfect outside. 

At mile 10 I was coming into the town of Rosendale and I couldn’t remember where we decided to meet-up so I thought it made the most sense to swing down Main St and then come up Kelly’s street – where she wasn’t waiting because if I had remembered she was down by the bridge.  It was so nice to meet up with her – for the conversation and for being with someone who had just started their run.  If you are familiar with this section of Rosendale up 32 it has a pretty decent sized hill that we needed conquer before it was really comfortable to talk again. 

This is the thing about running you can be comfortable one minute and delirious and/or feeling terrible the next.  I felt pretty awesome into mile 11 (considering I had already been running for 2 hours).  The hill took a lot out of me, but I felt really into the run until about mile 16 and that’s when I started to fade.  I did my best to stay focused on moving, breathing and staying in the moment.  I think about what this means to me, I think about the people that I love and why this is important – because it is important and then sometimes I just try and zone out on a conversation or a song.  You can get lost doing this. 

Anything is possible – that is what I tell myself over and over.  I know that I am totally capable of each run that I set out to complete I just have to believe that I will get there and move through it.  Having a friend with me helped distract me from the fact that I wanted to be done and eating eggs and sipping a chocolate milk.  I needed this run at this distance; needed to know that I can run that far, because I can.  I can run farther, but this is about being ready and that isn’t just being eager to go, but about being prepared to deal with pushing my body past it’s endurance edge which for me is what I experienced this weekend.  we hit 18 miles which is all I had set out to run, but we were still outside of New Paltz so that means keep running until you get there.  That's what happens - you may be done but not anywhere where you can stop so you keep running. 

I had to keep bargaining with Kelly and myself about how much farther I could go.  Once we made it into town I would pick buildings or signs and kept saying “alright I am running to that yellow house and that’s it” which I did until we got to the main light which is where we had intended to run to.  That is where the runner’s high kicked in – when I was done.  I couldn’t believe that I did it and felt really proud and thankful for the sheer fact that I believe enough to try; that I have so many people who stand beside me on these runs; that my body is capable of the miles week after week.  I got home tired and sunburnt, but not at all sore so that’s saying something.  Having five long runs (and a taper) left doesn’t seem so daunting anymore though after this run I couldn’t really function emotionally because I had used everything I had to get through it.  Every moment every day I am in. Ohh yeah still hungry all the time! I finished out this run with the biggest chocolate milk I could get, two eggs, one piece of toast and half a ginormous pancake;) <3

when all else fails - run f a r

This is THE week of fear! I almost didn't want to write this blog or my actual mileage for tomorrow's upcoming long run until I'm done - so that is exactly what I am going to do.  I will post my actual mileage on Saturday.  Yes, I totally do all of this on purpose - I know that's the insane part.  Ok - so last week’s long run was brutal and I think that I have been trying to forget it, which is why I haven’t written anything this week (though I did send a recap to my boyfriend – who I am sure must be getting tired reading about my running ridiculousness, but that’s love). We ran another 13.11 on Saturday – yeah no big deal right?! Sure if we didn’t race a half marathon the Sunday before.  Ohhh yeah - maybe our route also shouldn’t have been unbelievably hilly or we should have driven it before so we realized what we were in for (to mentally prepare or change it to another route)– those are all things to consider.  It also would have helped if I was taking my medicine so that my stomach wasn't killing me for most of the run. 

We hit a huge hill at about mile 10 and all I wanted to do was cry or yell or something so I just grunted – alot, which is pretty unlike me because I like to run keeping up the pretenses of having a united front.  Anyway we planned one thing well – our post run brunch at Market Market in Rosendale.  An egg sandwich with cheddar, avocado, and cilantro on semolina with pico and a ginger beer will make a tiresome run much more manageable.

Thus far this week I have logged 15.7 miles and it is looking like it will be a 30+ mile week once all is said and done.  My strategy for this week was to get all my running workouts done in the beginning of the week (Mon, Tues, and Wed) so that Thursday I could focus on core training and have two days "off" to prepare.  Yesterday I treated myself to a pilates mat class - some people drink; others go shopping; I switch my workout schedule up.  The class was awesome and even though it had been awhile, I felt strong and love loved not having shoes on and focusing on a specific area - breathing and articulating through a movement with precision.  Sometimes with running all my energy is spent maintaining a forward momentum so I felt somewhat free not having to focus on just going.

There is so much planning involved in training it is unreal.  This is why I do it though: I didn’t want to run a l l day on Wednesday.  I even stayed at work late because I didn’t want to get my running clothes from my car.  When I finally decided to suck it up and get changed and go out (in shorts and a tank top- yay!).  It was amazing.  I did some midtown loops and then ran uptown.  My starting goal was 4 miles but I modified that to 5 because I was so enjoying being the sunshine.  I finished with 5.6 and that was really because I had looped back to my car and it was about time to head home.  For me it was an easy run; I didn’t look at my pace and I just ran what I wanted to run.  I needed that.  My run on Monday blew and spin class on Tuesday kicked my butt.

I have been averaging 27-28 miles per week for the last few weeks.   Basically that translates to I am hungry all the time.  I am trying to space my meals at two-hour intervals and am drinking lots of water – still no coffee | no refined sugar | limited diary.  I have fruit in the morning in my smoothie and then veggies as the major meal component the rest of the day.  I won’t lie I won’t give up dark chocolate – I don’t care -  it makes me so happy.  I know that my diet is the reason that I am feeling so strong running.  Next week marks the halfway point! Halfway to Vermont! It feels like training is never-ending – everyday is preparing for something else, but my goal is in sight and just making it this far is an accomplishment.

To everyone running this weekend – run hard and you will get there.


”A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; and very hard the task I find of governing it well.”  -Louisa May Alcott

train, run, race equals happiness

10 weeks of training left = 10 more long runs (or ten more Saturdays of running the entire morning and not wanting to do much else) – so yes I am 8 weeks in.  I know that when I write that, it doesn’t sound like I am excited (or that this is fun), but I am excited and sometimes it is fun.  I have a love|hate relationship with my long runs because I don’t really look forward to them, but I am learning alot about myself on them (and I love writing the distances on my training calendar and crossing them off my list). I guess the question why just keeps popping into my head.  I was asking myself this yesterday morning when I woke up at 6:50am (which was really 5:50am –because of daylight savings) – why is this important|why do i want to run today?  My answer is there is really nothing that makes me feel better from the inside out and the feelings of pride that I have about my running truly fuel the desire and passion that I have for the way I want to live my life.  I think this is also about a commitment that I have to myself and the people that I love – they (you) believe in me and in turn I believe in myself.  I am thankful to have so many people who understand why I do this and who support this dream I have that sometimes seems to take over the logical part of my brain.  Talk to me after I race and you will feel it too. 

I ran the Celebrate Life Half Marathon yesterday. I ran it in 2:05:45 with the final 5K time of 28:26 – 9:10 splits - this is happy news! Why you ask?  Because I ran half my goal distance yesterday and I felt amazing which means that my training is paying off and I am running stronger.  Yesterday showed me that I am exactly where I need to be; that my mind and my body and working together and that is all I can ask for. This is huge! But don’t let my excitement fool you into thinking that the whole day went smoothly because it didn’t.  With daylight savings comes tiredness; with unseasonable weather comes an uncertainty of what to wear (which was in full effect yesterday); with a race that you haven’t done before also comes not knowing where to park.  You see where I am going with this right? We arrived at the start 3 minutes before the race started (and the only feature on my garmin that was working was the stop watch – so every mile we were figuring out our splits).  None of that mattered though when we were running.  It was beautiful out and we just ran – for all that goes into it, the days when it is just that simple it is worth everything else. 

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.”   -Emily Dickinson